Gather ‘round children, it’s time for Auntie Melissa to bestow some nuggets of knowledge! Tonight, for the first time in almost a year, Auntie Melissa went for a short run. Well, it was more of a run/walk. Fine, it was a freaking walk and she ran down the hills. Shut it.

As she was partaking in her run, she had an epiphany. Actual several epiphanies. More like mini-strokes but who’s getting into details here.

They started out as texts to her friend Lisa T. They went:

AM to LT - ‘First test. Just got tailed by a stray dog’

LT to AM - ‘Maybe he wanted to follow you home’

AM to LT - ‘More like he wants to eat my face. Much like the gnats surrounding me. My only hope is they swarm large enough to lift me up and fly me home.’

Then they got a little more life altering. Life changing. Something like this:

AM to LT - ‘I’m either sweating badly or pee’ing all over myself’

If you can’t find the meaning of life there, then there’s something wrong with you.

As Auntie Melissa made her way around the neighborhood, praying really hard that she didn’t run into anyone she knew while her fat jiggled out of a tank top that she shouldn’t have been wearing, she thanked the makers of Pokemon Go for obviously using their GPS to recognize she was running much like a Magikarp (fish out of water) and popping up boxes that stated ‘You’re going too fast!’. That's motivation right there, me going so fast you thought I was in a car. Thank you Pokemon Go, thank you.

So what’s the meaning of life? I got nothing. If you’ll excuse me, the ambulance has arrived to take it from here…

Auntie Melissa is out.

Peace.